Waiting to be caught

Trying to not get caught - as a young crossdresser, I only dressed at home, often borrowing whatever I could find since I was too embarrassed to buy anything of my own (sounds weird now to admit that for years I secretly borrowed my mom's bras and shoes).  Curious, nosy siblings caught me dressed once or twice, threatened to tell my mom, though she never mentioned if those tattle-tale siblings told her anything.

Sneaking to not get caught - as I grew older, and had my own money, I ventured out to stores and bought bras/panties/nighties and shoes, guessing my size without trying on anything - often I guessed wrong and found some creative ways to make items a few sizes too small fit somehow.  As I browsed in stores, I learned the art of constantly surveying who was around me, what they were doing, if they were looking in my direction, and when to bail on a shopping trip.  I mastered sneaking items into the house, mixed in with a jacket on my arm, or subtly hidden in an awkwardly bulging book bag.

Observing to not get caught - to secretly borrow anything from my wife, I learned how to observe every detail of how she they kept her things, how they were put away or folded, even making sure things were not put back too perfectly to avoid any suspicion.  Knowing her patterns helped too, knowing cues for when I might need to panic, having an exit route to a hiding place in case there wasn't enough time to undress and redress - I had several close calls, but never got the sense my wife knew about my dressing until I chose to invite her into my world.

Wanting to get caught - after struggling for months with not having enough courage and honesty to tell my wife, I started to leave cues for her about this serious, alternate lifestyle of mine.  She was either oblivious to the cues or didn't want to venture into the subject.  It took a couple of times where I got all dressed up and intentionally waited for her to find me, giving her the satisfaction of thinking she actually caught me, to finally start discussions/arguments - there were also countless times when I patiently waited for her to catch me only to end up aborting my plan with the feeling I wasn't ready to reveal this side yet.  In retrospective, her seeing me all dressed up was probably more devastating than having a mature discussion in drab.

Dressing to get caught - my confidence has built up, my self-opinion is much more stable, with disregard for the reactions of people I don't know, I sometimes dress up subtly and try to make sure someone notices my choice of women's flats, or my feminine jeans, or a trendy purse, or my girly tops - at best, I might get a comment (rarely), or confirmation with a second look (occasionally), or no reaction at all (sadly, often).

photo credit: Red 01 via photopin (license)