Gender Bending Fashion Diva

I recently read Lucille Sorella's article on How to Make a Feminine First Impression where she led me to finally discovering a term that seems to truly describe me, a gender bending fashion diva.  I love fashion, I love bending in feminine clothes, shoes, and accessories while still identifying as a guy, and I can spend the whole day shopping.

Flats are everywhere

Spring's here, the weather's getting warmer, it's raining less.  Boots are being put away, flats and sandals are coming back out.  Daytime shopping, during the week, I'm the only guy in most stores (department, chain, discount, thrift) surrounded by lots of women shopping.

Photo credit: feet1977 via Foter.com / CC BY-ND

No one notices that I'm wearing black flats with my guy outfit, but I notice that most women are wearing flats, lots of different styles, a few different colors.  Black flats are really popular, some that fit the wearer stylishly well, some that seem to be getting crushed by overly wide feet.  Nude flats go well with light color jeans or color matched to untanned feet.

Photo credit: Katie Burry via Foter.com / CC BY-NC-SA

To all you guys, slip on a pair of flats and show the world that we too can look really good wearing flats, coordinating them to our outfits.  Knee-his are great for hiding feet issues, no-show socks help avoid blisters.  Jeans and long pants can hide most of the shoe.  Or roll the jeans up, go bare, and show off great feet and legs.

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Taller in heels, cuter in flats

Women wear heels, most men don't, and I have a frustrated desire to want to wear heels everywhere.  There's no logic for why women get to have all the fun in heels, even though they complain about the pain, while us men are shunned from wearing them.  I too want to feel taller, make my legs slimmer, feel the power of being able to walk with that delicate balance, and get compliments from other women without being judged by anyone.

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Women wear flats, most men don't, and I have a conflicting desire to wear flats.  Again, no real logic for why women get to wear cute shoes that expose their feet, yet keep those toes hidden.  Flats seem practical is so many different settings.  A lot of commercials and ads have glimpses of a woman's flats.  I too enjoy the comfort and casualness that flats give off, variety of colors and styles, the cute patterns and ornamentation.  At least flats are much easier to wear and not attract any unwanted attention since nobody looks at a man's shoes.

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Waiting to be caught

Trying to not get caught - as a young crossdresser, I only dressed at home, often borrowing whatever I could find since I was too embarrassed to buy anything of my own (sounds weird now to admit that for years I secretly borrowed my mom's bras and shoes).  Curious, nosy siblings caught me dressed once or twice, threatened to tell my mom, though she never mentioned if those tattle-tale siblings told her anything.

Sneaking to not get caught - as I grew older, and had my own money, I ventured out to stores and bought bras/panties/nighties and shoes, guessing my size without trying on anything - often I guessed wrong and found some creative ways to make items a few sizes too small fit somehow.  As I browsed in stores, I learned the art of constantly surveying who was around me, what they were doing, if they were looking in my direction, and when to bail on a shopping trip.  I mastered sneaking items into the house, mixed in with a jacket on my arm, or subtly hidden in an awkwardly bulging book bag.

Observing to not get caught - to secretly borrow anything from my wife, I learned how to observe every detail of how she they kept her things, how they were put away or folded, even making sure things were not put back too perfectly to avoid any suspicion.  Knowing her patterns helped too, knowing cues for when I might need to panic, having an exit route to a hiding place in case there wasn't enough time to undress and redress - I had several close calls, but never got the sense my wife knew about my dressing until I chose to invite her into my world.

Wanting to get caught - after struggling for months with not having enough courage and honesty to tell my wife, I started to leave cues for her about this serious, alternate lifestyle of mine.  She was either oblivious to the cues or didn't want to venture into the subject.  It took a couple of times where I got all dressed up and intentionally waited for her to find me, giving her the satisfaction of thinking she actually caught me, to finally start discussions/arguments - there were also countless times when I patiently waited for her to catch me only to end up aborting my plan with the feeling I wasn't ready to reveal this side yet.  In retrospective, her seeing me all dressed up was probably more devastating than having a mature discussion in drab.

Dressing to get caught - my confidence has built up, my self-opinion is much more stable, with disregard for the reactions of people I don't know, I sometimes dress up subtly and try to make sure someone notices my choice of women's flats, or my feminine jeans, or a trendy purse, or my girly tops - at best, I might get a comment (rarely), or confirmation with a second look (occasionally), or no reaction at all (sadly, often).

photo credit: Red 01 via photopin (license)

Catch me if you can

The hardest part of being a closet crossdresser is that feeling that nobody knows who you really are.  There are a few people who know my secret, but it's still a secret for the most part until I get enough confidence.

Wearing flats while doing errands has inadvertently been a social experiment testing society's acceptance.  Oddly, most people don't seem to notice my flats, whether black, red, or metallic.  A few people notice, take another look, and then just go about their business.  I haven't noticed anyone try to take a photo, but it's something I try to be overly aware of.

Carrying a purse doesn't seem to attract the attention from strangers that I would have expected.  I do live in a reasonably city, with a diverse population, though crossdressers are definitely not usually seen around.

Strutting in heels definitely gets more attention, mostly from women - guys might look, but seem to be too shy (or are uncomfortable with their own thoughts and feelings) to confirm they saw me.

Mixing feminine with masculine seems to be a safer direction to go when out in public.  Deep down, it's easy to have fears of ending up in a hate crime situation because some in society have trouble with respecting others.

In building up confidence, I wonder when I'll run into someone I know, family, friends, coworkers.  Statistically, the more times I venture out, the more chance of running into someone.  There have been times where at the last moment, I changed my mind and switched to guys shoes/clothes, only to run into someone at a store I wouldn't expect to see them.  I've realized that all this risk is due to the burden of carrying such a secret.